I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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