dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
