We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
