i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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