i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
