Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
