I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
