I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
