He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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