I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
