I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
