she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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