he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
