Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
