If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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