the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
pray to the hookup gods
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
