Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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