We won't sleep together?
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
