Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
