Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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