Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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