I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
