You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
