His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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