I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
