I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
