she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
