We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
