you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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