two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
