i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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