just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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