It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
