Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
