Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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