My nipple is on Facebook.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You can't special order awesome
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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