i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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