Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
