Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
i think im in europe. pls send help
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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