Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
