I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
