her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
