i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
