I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
