Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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