at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
