If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
