woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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