apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
