I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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