I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
