I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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