im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
he laminated a picture of his dick.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
