I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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