I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
